The Paradox Of It All

I cant believe it's been 3 weeks since Jackson was born...but at the same time, I'm so tired, I feel like it's been that long since sleeping!

So I got to cheat today and held him for 3 hours!! Mainly because they wanted to change his bed to an incubator from just the flat bed with the heater over the top. The incubator had to warm up first, which supposedly took awhile, but I think maybe Favorite Nurse Heather was cheating some. That's why she gets posted on THE BLOG, and others don't..ha ha. I swear she sneaks Jackson chocolate when no one is around. His "levels" (not TOTALLY for sure what all I'm talking about) but like what he is "satting" (that's official nurse talk, ::sniff::) is in perfect range whenever she is his nurse.

Honestly though, it's amazing how much better he does when tucked into his little pillows and arranged a certain way. Just like today when I walked in, the doctor, two nurses and a respiratory therapist were over him, I guess he had been throwing alarms all over the place and it ended up being because he had a dirty diaper! I mean for real, he's not even suppose to be here yet and he's throwing fits because he wanted to be changed, bringing doctors and nurses in all over the place when they could be tending to very sick babies. He's in trouble for that when he gets home...

So 1 new diaper later, we got to hang out for 3 hours and talk to people. My dear, dear, long lost friends Charay and Jeff Johnson showed up to see us with their beautiful children...they were in from Tulsa, and then the priest that baptised Jackson came by to see him, and kept saying in his random African accent "I not worried about this baby, JOSEPH is good, he will be fine, I not worried about this baby, thank you nurse for using your hands to keep him and care for him...I see and bless JOSEPH every DAY...I need to go see sick babies, JOSEPH is fine.." and then more I couldn't understand.

I saw him again at nine tonight with Kelly and Jordan, and snapped the new pictures that I posted at the bottom of this blog. He had a bath tonight and weighed in at 2 lbs 12.5 ozs. ! So that's good that he is gaining, his feedings have gone up to 9.5 cc's now.

He is still under the Billi lights for jaundice, which for those wondering, is why he has to wear the shades over his eyes. His gas report, (not stomach gas...gas as in oxygen and carbon dioxide) this morning was good...the numbers they help use to determine ventilator levels (which the goal is to lessen everything to wean him off) was 7.31, which is good. I think they like it between 7.25 and 7.35. They lowered his oxygen level to 25% (the air we breathe is 21%) so that's very good for his size. I think the rate of the vent was 35 breathes per minute.

And like I said earlier, he's in an incubator bed..a closed up little green house looking thing with doors you can open and stick your hands in to touch him. This is good, it keeps out the sound, and they put a blanket over the top to keep it dark...basically attempting to recreate the womb.

It was really great holding him for three hours, but I so needed to nurse, or pump, rather. And he was being fed my milk through a tube, so that was weird..its like, okay, if I could just feed you like normal..

But I figure if that's the most I was concerned and frustrated about today, then we are doing really good. I was leaving tonight and ran into another mom...and her baby is really bad, terminal from what it sounds like. Marc and I have been keeping up with them the past couple of weeks...and they have a five year old that looks a lot like Colby, and he keeps telling his mom he wants to take his sister home so he can share his blanket with her. They live 2 hours away and have been staying in a hotel down the street for the past couple of weeks. I cant believe how much their story, even before it got so bad, and seeing other babies brought in and being worked on, seems more emotionally draining than thinking about our own situation, but I think it must be due to the fact we are very lucky so far, and we have such a support system and live so close to the hospital. But still, its so hard to watch other parents when they are not doing well. You just want to help them, but you can't really do anything, and then you see your own baby lying there with wires and tubes coming from every which way, and it seems like you would be in a bad nightmare, but there is just so much compassion and love exuding in the nursery that you are overwhelmed with emotion, but not necessarily grief. It's just such a raw, odd feeling to be there.

I had a greeting card that had a quote from Mother Theresa on the front that I keep thinking of when I see all these Mothers and Fathers standing watch at their baby's bedside...

"I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more LOVE..."


Crystal